Thursday, December 27, 2012

A daily hill climb

I sit and work at a cafe in a shopping mall. I do everything with alarm clocks. A 3 hour work session and then it is time for what I call a `pick-up meditation'. I set the clock to ring an hour or so later. For the next hour, my focus is on talking to girls I am attracted to. It seems completely impossible to me to talk to a girl I don't know. It seems everybody hates me and I am the outcast, the pathetic loser of the shopping mall, trying desperately to get a few crumbs of attention from the people who are `set'; whose life is in order and have a good fulfilling social life.
I don't want to go on with even trying - as the trying is what evokes this negative thoughts. I want these thoughts to stay buried inside, not to feel them.  But a part of me knows already - there is nothing wrong with you - this is just the process you go through when taking a step out of `the matrix' - we are kept tightly inside it not by electrodes stuck in our head, but by deep emotional conditoning: You take the smallest step outside the social norm - and acute emotional pain is triggered.
I take a very gradual approach inspired by Eric Disco. At first just get comfortable walking around, noticing girls. Don't be afraid of small steps thinking they are pointless. Just get near girls you are attracted to  - just get into the flow of taking action when you feel attraction, rather than being paralyzed\hypnotized by useless thought. Every small bit of action , as opposed to the regular state of hypnotized paralysis, accumulates and helps more than you can imagine.
After 10 minutes or so, I see a nice girl. I think `am I able to just ask her where the train is?'.
After standing there like an idiot for about a minute, I manage to do so.
I feel really stupid, but together with that feeling of akwardness that has arose, something has opened up, has warmed up.
Walking around for another 10 minutes, the thoughts keep coming `I feel stupid.' `There are not too many girls now here. Maybe it's better to do this later. Maybe this is a good time to have lunch'
Then I see her. The way she walks, so sensual, so elegant, so delicate, the archtype of femininity.
I am hesitant as usual. I just casually walk behind her. I try to feel my urge to talk to her. Get to the point where I feel that desire, that anticipation..that desire for fun of spreading that energy, strongly so that it overrides inhibition. I feel it pile up. I think `I am just going to give her that energy. Given her an energy boost. I am not concerned with looking stupid or getting anything out of it'. Of course, as a fanatical believer in Karma, I believe strongly that if give her a mood boost I will get a kick-ass reward! (In a time and place only the universe knows). I say `Hey, do you speak a little english?' `Yes.' `This will sound a little weird..' (when I say that that makes women really comfortable - like they assume I must be incredibly normal and not weird if I acknoweldge that)
`but..some honest complement that she inspired me to give her at that moment'
After a minute of chatting she says she's in a bit of a hurry, she has to go back to work soon.
I just say bye, nice meeting you.
After that thinking I could have asked her to meet after work.
Then again the process starts same thoughts same doubts,
but now more energized from that interaction.
After 20 minutes, I find her, something about her walk, her attitude, makes me notice her.
I start to walk after her, occaisonally seeing someone else and thinking `maybe she's cuter?'
but focus now.. I focus now thinking again, if nothing else I will give her an energy boost for the day.
This time the chemistry is stronger and when we shake hands , hands stay connected for a while, with electricity in the air.This time when she says she's in a rush, I remember to get the number first.
Knowing you daily overcome your limiting beleifs, your negative emotions, builds confidence like nothing else.

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Hi! I am a computer science postdoc. For some reason google is not finding my new homepage so I added a link from this profile