I have a new Guru:
This guy is called Chase Amante. He focuses on the relationship man-woman thing,
but I got into him from a more general article he wrote called `How to overcome depression'
My first instinct was that an american positive-thinking type coach would sound shallow and
have nothing to add for me, being involved in Vipassana meditation traced back to the #1 self-help
coach of this world-cycle: Gotama the Buddha.
But surprisingly, I found something about his writing bring to life, and make tangible,
the crazy levels of persistence and energy that create a better happier life.
Find the demo of his book on the site and read the first few pages - that's what triggered me to write this.
I feel new hope and inspiration for having some awesome exciting happy times tonight, not when I am enlightened in 5 lifetimes.

Tuesday evening, sitting in a coffee shop (which is what theoretical computer scientists get paid to do)
I suddenly experienced this deep happiness. Like everything was so beautiful, for example, my used espresso cup,  it almost made me cry. It was like the first time I took E and  saw a coca cola cap and was amazed by it. To have a record, I wrote the following words during that time.

This moment feel like I am on Ectasy, something is shifting
 conciousness wants to flow strongly through me
 burstring through

After a while, I returned to the regular preoccupied with worries and thoughts states,
but for me it is further evidence, that a state of euphoric happiness, is where evolution is taking us.

I have a fantasy about women that excites me, one I would actually feel comfortable to share here.
The way research goes for me, every day I try an idea, usually it immediately fails.
Once a week, say, there is an idea that seems to have potential.. but usually is seen to be useless
after another week.
Once or twice a year, there is an idea that has some value, although it is not a great discovery.
And through all this rarely do I get depressed, worried, thinking `Ahh.. it will never work out. I'm a faliure!'
I just enjoy the process, calmly, with a feeling that eventually things will work out.

I wish so much I could approach dating with the same calmness.
I see a beautiful girl in a bus station, she looks at me a  bit.
I try to start talking to her. It goes well.
We end up taking a nice walk.
I send her an email. She replies.
Ask her if she wants to meet. She says she can't Saturday, but how bout Monday.
We meet Monday, she is so cute I can't believe she's here with me.
I try to kiss her, she says she doesn't kiss on the first date.
and then immediately it starts  `Ahh.. you see? Nothing will ever work for you with Women! You are cursed!!'

All day drifting in this sea, sea of thoughts and emotions,
at times seems like just drifting aimlessly..
those moments of connection eye to eye, quiet, clear,
heart to heart, make it all worthwhile, make it make sense.

I have more trust in life lately.
Many mornings it gives me pain and lonliness rather than
what I dreamed and hoped for.
But by the end of that day, I see how that pain and lonliness drives me,
to transformation, to evolution. I am grateful that what I wished for has been delayed by another day, so that when it comes, my capacitiy to enjoy it, my capacity to give back will be that much greater.
Instead of a comforting relationship, I am forced everday to climb a hill, get out of my inner shell, and talk to that beautiful girl I see.
Instead of being absorbed in thought, which is so seducing when things are pleasant, the negativity and pain in thought in unpleasant situations forces me to trancsend thought, forces me to be present in the now, observing thought from the outside, learning not to be trapped in it.
Slowly these things develop freedom, alignment with reality, inner peace.
I learn to relax and enjoy the journey, knowing from experience that when it is embraced, everday brings wonderful moments, so unexpected and different from the ones you dreamt about.

She shines so brightly, like the sun.
He wants to run to her, be as close as possible, be united.
After being burned a million times, throughout countless lifetimes,
a deep resistance, a deep wisdom has been built within him.
He will build the capacity to contain that light, before coming closer.

She captiavtes so completely, like a spider's web.
He wants to ravage her, let all his twisted fantasies and emotions
explode on her mind and body.
After seeing countless times how each movement traps him deeper,
a deep patience has been built within him.
He will build deep tranquility before uniting with her again.

When the right moment arrives, sun and earth, predator and pray, will all
be at peace.