The beauty of small details, keeping you away from large worries,
only pain gives enough motivation to stay alert, in the razor's edge of the Now.
Where bliss, where refuge, where protection are always present.

Vipassana and Inception

In the movie Inception, the Japanese guy gets shot. The way to save him is
to send him into a very deep dream within a dream within a dream, where things progress very slowly.
where that wound is not an overwhelming solid event, but manifets in a slow sequence of subtle hints.
Last night, I felt a wave of sadness coming (related to some girl issue as are all my eupohria\sadness cycles in the last 2 decades:-) ). I knew it was going to overwhelm me into doing something stupid.
So I felt this strong motivation to go deeply within with Vipassana,
to a level of conciousness where this solid emotion, breaks down into a multitlude of small events in the body, a tingling here, a small pressure there. It's like going deep into the bottom of the ocean and waiting for the storm at the surface to pass.
I felt like the fear of sufferring from being caught up in that storm was so great,
the memory of pain of being caught up in similar ones so many times,
that my motivation to stay in this deep level was stronger than ever before.

Buddha says to his disciples in one discourse:  The amount of blood that you have shed by
being caught as thieves and beheaded by an order of a king, is more than the water in all the oceans.
This sounds ridicolous: the amount of blood we have shed, not generally, but *for that specific reason* being  that great? Perhaps just an exaggeration to make a point, I usually think.
But today I think, maybe not. It seems my lazyness, my impulse to look for perfect answers outside rather than inside, even after I have the tool to go inside, is so strong that maybe that is the amount of suffering you need to go through to truly relinquish finding a perfect life by adjusting external circumstances.

The main moral issue

Procrastinating at work - (Sometimes it's hard to do more than 15 minutes of math at a time) and reading some internet news site.
I saw this article, regarding a debate about whether gay couples in France should have legal rights as parents.
In the article there is a picture of a cute gay couple with their baby at Eurodisney.
I think one reason we enjoy reading about such things is that there is an implied assumption that if we are dealing with a relatively subtle moral issue, a kind of nuance, then we must be pretty enlightened moral people, a relatively enlightened society. Otherwise, we would be dealing we heavier issues, but if this is what the news is talking about, we must already be moral in our dealings with the more basic issues. This gives us a nice pat on the back, a pleasant stroke for our egos.
But this is bullshit!
We are for the most constantly in denial that modern human society runs on a daily basis on the extreme suffering of 99.9% of living beings on the planet - the animals that feed and dress us.
The next revolution, I believe, will be that the only criteria for whether a being should be free from pain, is that it has the ability to feel pain.
Instead of feeling guilty about it, do *one small thing* and feel good.
Use soy milk or rice milk, once a week with your breakfast cereal.
I love the idea of meatless monday.

Waves of pain, waves of pleasure.
Our lesson is to learn not to be carried away by them.
To stand in place as they pass through us.
Each time we do, we get a glimpse of the peace at the bottom of the ocean.
Each time we do, we can positively respond to life, rather than negatively react.

At a moment of weakness you will always be willing to quit and not follow through.
Perhaps that is the definition of a moment of weakness.
That is why we had to descend to this world with alll its limitations,
limitations that make convenience and quitting impossible.
I heard Zan Perrion say (maybe misquoting) `every great life requires a great renunciation'.
Burn your bridges, until you don't know which side you are on anymore.
Cross out of your comfort zone so much, that you start to confuse comfort and discomfort.
Let go of any assumptions of what is `normal', until you cannot distingusih between
dreaming and waking.
How much you are asleep or awake does not really depend on such a superficial thing.

What a huge challenge: Enjoying and appreciating the pleasant moments,
without being frustrated when they are gone.
Always being open to what life is giving you at *this* moment,
instead of complaining - `why can't I have more of *that* moment?'.
We came here to challenge each other,
we have known each other for a long time, my love.
God's love is greater than ours, for the ones ready to trust.

I have a new Guru:
This guy is called Chase Amante. He focuses on the relationship man-woman thing,
but I got into him from a more general article he wrote called `How to overcome depression'
My first instinct was that an american positive-thinking type coach would sound shallow and
have nothing to add for me, being involved in Vipassana meditation traced back to the #1 self-help
coach of this world-cycle: Gotama the Buddha.
But surprisingly, I found something about his writing bring to life, and make tangible,
the crazy levels of persistence and energy that create a better happier life.
Find the demo of his book on the site and read the first few pages - that's what triggered me to write this.
I feel new hope and inspiration for having some awesome exciting happy times tonight, not when I am enlightened in 5 lifetimes.

Tuesday evening, sitting in a coffee shop (which is what theoretical computer scientists get paid to do)
I suddenly experienced this deep happiness. Like everything was so beautiful, for example, my used espresso cup,  it almost made me cry. It was like the first time I took E and  saw a coca cola cap and was amazed by it. To have a record, I wrote the following words during that time.

This moment feel like I am on Ectasy, something is shifting
 conciousness wants to flow strongly through me
 burstring through

After a while, I returned to the regular preoccupied with worries and thoughts states,
but for me it is further evidence, that a state of euphoric happiness, is where evolution is taking us.

I have a fantasy about women that excites me, one I would actually feel comfortable to share here.
The way research goes for me, every day I try an idea, usually it immediately fails.
Once a week, say, there is an idea that seems to have potential.. but usually is seen to be useless
after another week.
Once or twice a year, there is an idea that has some value, although it is not a great discovery.
And through all this rarely do I get depressed, worried, thinking `Ahh.. it will never work out. I'm a faliure!'
I just enjoy the process, calmly, with a feeling that eventually things will work out.

I wish so much I could approach dating with the same calmness.
I see a beautiful girl in a bus station, she looks at me a  bit.
I try to start talking to her. It goes well.
We end up taking a nice walk.
I send her an email. She replies.
Ask her if she wants to meet. She says she can't Saturday, but how bout Monday.
We meet Monday, she is so cute I can't believe she's here with me.
I try to kiss her, she says she doesn't kiss on the first date.
and then immediately it starts  `Ahh.. you see? Nothing will ever work for you with Women! You are cursed!!'

All day drifting in this sea, sea of thoughts and emotions,
at times seems like just drifting aimlessly..
those moments of connection eye to eye, quiet, clear,
heart to heart, make it all worthwhile, make it make sense.

I have more trust in life lately.
Many mornings it gives me pain and lonliness rather than
what I dreamed and hoped for.
But by the end of that day, I see how that pain and lonliness drives me,
to transformation, to evolution. I am grateful that what I wished for has been delayed by another day, so that when it comes, my capacitiy to enjoy it, my capacity to give back will be that much greater.
Instead of a comforting relationship, I am forced everday to climb a hill, get out of my inner shell, and talk to that beautiful girl I see.
Instead of being absorbed in thought, which is so seducing when things are pleasant, the negativity and pain in thought in unpleasant situations forces me to trancsend thought, forces me to be present in the now, observing thought from the outside, learning not to be trapped in it.
Slowly these things develop freedom, alignment with reality, inner peace.
I learn to relax and enjoy the journey, knowing from experience that when it is embraced, everday brings wonderful moments, so unexpected and different from the ones you dreamt about.

She shines so brightly, like the sun.
He wants to run to her, be as close as possible, be united.
After being burned a million times, throughout countless lifetimes,
a deep resistance, a deep wisdom has been built within him.
He will build the capacity to contain that light, before coming closer.

She captiavtes so completely, like a spider's web.
He wants to ravage her, let all his twisted fantasies and emotions
explode on her mind and body.
After seeing countless times how each movement traps him deeper,
a deep patience has been built within him.
He will build deep tranquility before uniting with her again.

When the right moment arrives, sun and earth, predator and pray, will all
be at peace.