Wednesday, December 27, 2006


"Hi!"(I'm empty can you fill me up?)
"Hi.."(I'd like to get away, you're sucking my energy, but I have to be polite, I must be polite)

I wonder in how many interactions between people, do both sides gain something. I notice in my interactions there is a lot of the following.

-I condescend someone to get an ego-boost.

- I try to put someone down in an aggressive way, I'll only be satisfied when he's miserable.

-I try to get someone's approval , I try to show off.

-Someone else try's to show off to me\get my approval.

-Someone using his status to condescend me.

Some of this may seem extreme things to say about yourself, but I think that unconciously, most people do aggresive\mean stuff all the time.

It comes out in a subtle way because on the surface level we're all making sure we adhere to society's rules. In places like a university, or a high-tech company there is probably no physical or even clear verbal violence. But the people there are just people, they have aggression and fear inside, and for the most part they haven't evolved out of it, they just repress it.

So how does subtle violence take place?
Well, take the example above.
Suppose you're talking to someone in a way that you're sucking their energy,
and he's just staying there because he feels he has to be polite.
I see two forms of violence here. The first is the violence of this person forcing himself to stay there, and if someone is violent towards himself he treats others in the same way. The second is that you're using the fact that he has this compulsion inside of him to keep him there so you can keep sucking his energy. You may say, "How can I know what's going in his head? Maybe he's having a great time talking to me? If he doesn't say anything how can I know?"
Well in my opinion, subconciously you feel everything that is going on. In particular, subconciously, you know he's not free to leave, and you're using that.
I think that part of 'Charisma', is simply people that don't do this stuff as much. Not just conciously, but also subconciously, they do not behave in this way, not even in a subtle way that they would not be aware of. So people instinctively feel safe and accepted around them.

I really want to stress that when I think about these things. The intent is not to judge these behaviours and blame. On the contrary, the intent is to develop a calm acceptance and awareness of these parts of myself and others. Because this calm acceptance and awareness is exactly what seems to make these behaviours and tendencies fade away.
If you're violent and you punish yourself for being violent in some way, you're just strengthening your tendency for violence.

In any case, I think anyone that can read this and examine himself to see
if it connects and not just get totally defensive, is doing pretty well compared to most.

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Hi! I am a computer science postdoc. For some reason google is not finding my new homepage so I added a link from this profile