Did I invent you?
Are you just my imagination?
It's been so long since we met in reality. By now I am like a religious fanatic, believing I am preparing for the day we meet again with no proof that it will come.. perhaps even with some evidence that it won't.

But that belief gives me an extra push of willpower throughout many small junctions during each day.

I come to the office. My instinct is to spend another 20 minutes browsing the web before starting to work.
I feel at first there is no chance I have the energy to avoid that temptation.
But then, sometimes, I think to myself: How will the decision I make at this moment affect how well things go between us if and when we meet in who knows how many years.
Amazingly to me, I find that if I feel making the harder decision will help things go better by 0.1% with a 0.1% probability, I can make the hard choice not only without effort, but with enthusiasm thinking about it as yet another small brick being placed in the construction of this future I dream about.

So sweet, for every taste of you
I walk a hundred years in the desert.
Your shining eyes assure me, time is not lost,
this is the road you must take.
Each day, in the afternoon, every cell of my body wants to be
closer to you.

What do you do with people in your life that just always want more?
More of your attention, more of your energy.
Anytime you feed them, instead of being grateful they just want more,
they are looking for the next bite.
Even if they don't say anything, you feel it. You are stressed, you feel like you
need to protect what you have.
Is there any solution except shutting them out completely?

I thought today of this analogy: You are stressed out about a friend owing you a few dollars.

Then, you suddenly discover that you have 100,000$ in your bank account that you did not know about.

At that moment, these dollars that your friend owes you seem like not a big issue.

Then again you forget about this money in your account and you are annoyed at your friend and stressed again.

Similarly, I have this feeling of being stressed about not getting enough, or not getting what I deserve.

I now meditate  2 hours in the morning sometimes -  the deeper effect starts only after the first hour so it's a shame to stop there.  After that, at random moments in the day, I have this feeling of having 100,000$ dollars in some spiritual bank account - this feeling of abundance and joy that is deep and independent of external events. And at those moments, things not being as they should externally - not getting the attention you want from a girl, someone in your office that can't stop talking, your room being a mess - are still things that preferably should improved, but are not reasons not to be happy.

Your brain tricks you,dozens times a day..
in the corridors full of professors and Phd students
you manage to label someone as the bully,
some people as the popular group that won't associate with you.

Someone makes a comment in a lecture
with a slightly condescending tone..
you find yourself  hearing `all that you have to offer is worthless'
you attack back : `well why don't you prove it if it's so easy'
For a few minutes you are on auto-pilot..
but then you wake up.. this audience is not your enemy..

In your dreams you kick them away without checking who
they are,
just assume everybody is a monster..
anything else takes too much brain power.

Unexpectedly you meet her,
you see the world has something completely new to offer,
if you are able, for a moment, just to wake up..

Be strong for me,
transform for me,
so that we can unite at a higher level than before.

That has always been my plan.
You resent it's not as easy as you imagined.
But you know it's worth it.
You know you have no choice.
You know no one can love you like this.
Dirty and real, voices playing with the energy they were born into.
Finally finding someone that can give them wings.
Growing in the ground full of dirt and rocks,
and water, giving life to everything around them.
Giving this present of their love to all that surround the
m.
I feel this  frustration inside me.
I wish I could scream and ignore all consequences.
But I am the one burdened with being the constant repetitious reminder:

Be strong for me.
Transform for me.
So that we can unite at a higher plane than before.

Finally, found a place I enjoy showing tourists in Jerusalem.
The old city itself has a kind of weird, maybe negative, vibe.
Gethsemane church just outside of it to the east,
where supposedly Jesus prayed just before being caught by the Romans,
has a very special spiritual feel.
Maybe indeed some special event similar to Buddha's enlightenment happened here,
and the vibrations are still influencing it; because the atmosphere is quite noticeably different
from the area around, even though the place itself is quite a noisy tourist hotspot now.

Spiritual wealth

You sit for an hour in the forest.. you walk a little.
 You tell your monk friends `I was thinking of sitting for another hour..but maybe I'll just go home'
 And one of them asks you their regular trick question : `so are you going to choose the way of folding, or choose the way of strong determination'
You meditate with them for another hour.. you're not really sure how much time passed.
You start feeling the pain, together with the emotional pain..
 you feel clearly the correlation between the physical discomfort, the emotional discomfort, and your behavior patterns in critical situations.
 You feel how every extra minute, is worth its duration in gold.
 Every extra minute sitting with this discomfort, increasing the chances that in those critical moments, where a situation can lead into disaster or happiness, you will make the less wrong decision.
You drive from Haifa to Tel-Aviv. Feeling this wealth you have built up inside.
 Just watching the view, listening to the same CD.. how in the same situation just a day before you felt like a beggar.

I'm always wondering about whether stopping to drink coffee will make my alertness more stable throughout the day. Giving up coffee is quite a sad affair for me. I'm happy I found something else lately that has an even more positive affect on alertness and clarity - cutting off gluten - bread, pastries, ect. been doing it just for a few days and feel great.

Looks like it will take some time for my program to harmonize Giant Steps in Bach style..
and not sure that is the most interesting direction.

Here's something cute, meanwhile. It has the ability to stick a user chosen chord in the middle of a piece and go back to the original line in a relatively smooth way.


Original beginning of Chorale from BWV 1.6:



Sticking an Eb chord in the middle:


So happy I know how to embed Soundcloud files now :)

So much he wanted to know,
what was in her mind,
what she thought,
what she felt.

But he had only his imagination
to keep him company.
Imagining it was not just his imagination,
that he could read her thoughts,
that he knew what she thought and felt.

He didn't know what to do.
He wanted her so much in his life.
He said to himself, practice staying positive, practice being emotionally independent;
so that when you have the chance to be with her, you won't screw it up.
Her image became his motivation. Suddenly it became easy to stay calm in a
traffic jam, to spend 4 hours going in and out of the house looking for keys
and then looking for something else he dropped while looking for the keys.
What did it matter missing this or missing that?
All that mattered was using the time to develop the qualities that would enable them
to be together.
Suddenly difficult, frustrating situations were a good thing.
He knew she was difficult and frustrating, but not more than many other things.
He knew he was spoiled. He built a life where he could set the borders.
He could kick out anyone that did not act according to his predefined rules and behaviors.
He was good at not getting lonely.
But a life without this magic.. he was not ready for it,
he would always yearn for it.