I have a new Guru:
This guy is called Chase Amante. He focuses on the relationship man-woman thing,
but I got into him from a more general article he wrote called `How to overcome depression'
My first instinct was that an american positive-thinking type coach would sound shallow and
have nothing to add for me, being involved in Vipassana meditation traced back to the #1 self-help
coach of this world-cycle: Gotama the Buddha.
But surprisingly, I found something about his writing bring to life, and make tangible,
the crazy levels of persistence and energy that create a better happier life.
Find the demo of his book on the site and read the first few pages - that's what triggered me to write this.
I feel new hope and inspiration for having some awesome exciting happy times tonight, not when I am enlightened in 5 lifetimes.

Tuesday evening, sitting in a coffee shop (which is what theoretical computer scientists get paid to do)
I suddenly experienced this deep happiness. Like everything was so beautiful, for example, my used espresso cup,  it almost made me cry. It was like the first time I took E and  saw a coca cola cap and was amazed by it. To have a record, I wrote the following words during that time.

This moment feel like I am on Ectasy, something is shifting
 conciousness wants to flow strongly through me
 burstring through

After a while, I returned to the regular preoccupied with worries and thoughts states,
but for me it is further evidence, that a state of euphoric happiness, is where evolution is taking us.

I have a fantasy about women that excites me, one I would actually feel comfortable to share here.
The way research goes for me, every day I try an idea, usually it immediately fails.
Once a week, say, there is an idea that seems to have potential.. but usually is seen to be useless
after another week.
Once or twice a year, there is an idea that has some value, although it is not a great discovery.
And through all this rarely do I get depressed, worried, thinking `Ahh.. it will never work out. I'm a faliure!'
I just enjoy the process, calmly, with a feeling that eventually things will work out.

I wish so much I could approach dating with the same calmness.
I see a beautiful girl in a bus station, she looks at me a  bit.
I try to start talking to her. It goes well.
We end up taking a nice walk.
I send her an email. She replies.
Ask her if she wants to meet. She says she can't Saturday, but how bout Monday.
We meet Monday, she is so cute I can't believe she's here with me.
I try to kiss her, she says she doesn't kiss on the first date.
and then immediately it starts  `Ahh.. you see? Nothing will ever work for you with Women! You are cursed!!'

All day drifting in this sea, sea of thoughts and emotions,
at times seems like just drifting aimlessly..
those moments of connection eye to eye, quiet, clear,
heart to heart, make it all worthwhile, make it make sense.

I have more trust in life lately.
Many mornings it gives me pain and lonliness rather than
what I dreamed and hoped for.
But by the end of that day, I see how that pain and lonliness drives me,
to transformation, to evolution. I am grateful that what I wished for has been delayed by another day, so that when it comes, my capacitiy to enjoy it, my capacity to give back will be that much greater.
Instead of a comforting relationship, I am forced everday to climb a hill, get out of my inner shell, and talk to that beautiful girl I see.
Instead of being absorbed in thought, which is so seducing when things are pleasant, the negativity and pain in thought in unpleasant situations forces me to trancsend thought, forces me to be present in the now, observing thought from the outside, learning not to be trapped in it.
Slowly these things develop freedom, alignment with reality, inner peace.
I learn to relax and enjoy the journey, knowing from experience that when it is embraced, everday brings wonderful moments, so unexpected and different from the ones you dreamt about.

She shines so brightly, like the sun.
He wants to run to her, be as close as possible, be united.
After being burned a million times, throughout countless lifetimes,
a deep resistance, a deep wisdom has been built within him.
He will build the capacity to contain that light, before coming closer.

She captiavtes so completely, like a spider's web.
He wants to ravage her, let all his twisted fantasies and emotions
explode on her mind and body.
After seeing countless times how each movement traps him deeper,
a deep patience has been built within him.
He will build deep tranquility before uniting with her again.

When the right moment arrives, sun and earth, predator and pray, will all
be at peace.

These songs I try to sing, will only make sense, will only be completed, when you are here beside me.

Just before taking a shower, I see an ant in my bathtub.
To save it from the flood to come soon, I take some toilet paper and try to gently
pick it up and move it. It runs away  and I think whether the stress
it's experiencing  from this rescue attempt is not worse than death
in the shower (Maybe the real saints would wait till next morning to check if it is gone
out of it's own free will. Maybe real saints stink and are sticky)
Finally I manage.
And I think if it is not a perfect analogy:
Forces we cannot comprehend, death being one of them, guiding us
to a better place, and we create a nightmare for ourselves by resisting them.
Maybe one of the great challenges is to *trust* life gives us what we need
at every moment.. To resist the instinct, that I feel so strongly in myself, to
hang on to whatever little we have in fear of being left with nothing.
Perhaps life gives the greatest rewards to those who trust and let go -
arghh.. but so hard to do!!

All this life,
to live one perfect day..
perfectly pure, no lies, just smiles,
we've been moving towards it all our lives,
missing our chances time after time,
to reach the moment where love conquers all.

I remember seeing you, and not thinking twice,
how it came to the place where I can't think about
anything else.
Looking for you in another woman's eyes.
An endless journey to reach that one perfect day..
let me die in your eyes when I reach it..

All this time,
where is it leading us?
What is left from deep looks that seemed eternal?
What do hours or centuries of staring mean in eternity?
Still, I know where my journey lies..
when I reach it let me die in your eyes

I feel you here in my mind, wanting to give me all this love and acceptance.
It all depends on my ability to let you in, my capacity for accepting your gifts.

I want to rock your world,
go all the way without caution.
I love the way you say my name, grunting a little, grinding your teeth a little.
I want you to say it again and again, grunting more and more,
till it becomes like the incoherent sounds of a demon from the underworld.
I want to go full circle and have my demon and angel unite.

I love the following definition of power - it is inspired by Tonny Robbins and Eric Disco.
Personal power is your ability to take action to make your life better, independently of whatever thoughts and emotions are going through your mind and body.
I feel lonely, I feel the world is against me, I feel fate is against me, karma is against me..
can I still sit and meditate and observe the negativity instead of wallowing in it,
can I see that beautiful girl and go talk to her, rather than wallowing in the thought of
how it is my destiny to be alone.
can I pick up the phone when a friend calls me instead of wallowing in the thought of how I am too introverted to talk right now.
can I pay my bills instead of wallowing in the thought of how it is my destiny to be disorganized and pay all the late penalty fines.
it seems to me too stressful to try to do this all day,
but my experience is that that making one such proactive initiative a day is enough to be happier
for the rest of that day (well.. especially when it's the beautiful girl one)
The way Eric says it
`You cannot make a commitment not to feel certain things or not to think certain thoughts. But you can make a commitment to take small, manageable actions towards becoming the person you want to be.'